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maybe it's contagious - thoughts of a lurker
demonlurking
demonlurking
maybe it's contagious


*sigh*

so, i dunno why, but tonight i've been really depressed and lonely. it's not like i don't have friends i hang out with regularly, or talk to. i do. and quite often. maybe it's the full moon or something. it's just one of those nights where i'm dissatisfied with my life. i feel like it's empty. but it's not like i know what it is that's missing. (other than a romantic partner, but that's nothing new.) all in all, i'm pretty happy with work. i've been being a lot better about sucking up/caving in to authority figures. standing up for what i think is right/needs to be done. but there's still a lot of anxiety about that sort of thing. i know i have some pretty deep seated self-esteem issues that cause that anxiety. needing to feel valued and appreciated and yet, not wanting to put other's opinions of me at risk by making them dislike me. i know some of that comes from late junior high and early high school, where i lost several friends (permanently, they never forgave/liked me again) when i spoke my mind about stuff.

yes. i know i'm fucked up. yes. i'm working on it.
but no, that doesn't change the here and now. =( suck.

i usually don't admit to stuff like this, it's too much like exposing weaknesses ... vulnerabilities. too many times i've had them used against me ... used to hurt me ... used to manipulate me. but i think it's time to get them out, maybe it will help. so, no, this isn't a private post, or a friends only post, or even hidden behind an lj cut. maybe this is something i just need to do, maybe i'll feel better once it's been written down ... i hope so. so, in about an hour, i'll walk to the bus stop, catch the 61C home, and crawl into bed. alone. *sigh*

maybe that's all it really is. i guess that's what i get for being 6 weeks from my 26th birthday and not having a whole lot to show for it. i've been one of those late blooming wallflowers. my romantic history is filled with more misadventures than successes. in the past quarter century, i've only had two real relationships (one being an LDR), and one crush. that's what i get for spending six months of my life following someone around like a puppy dog and the next six months trying to avoid them like the plague. at least i learned from that one. but i guess i'm kind of picky. not only do i have a physical type that's pretty rare, but there's also a certain mindset that i find attractive. no, i'm not trying to use LJ to pick up girls, that would be really silly. i'm just trying to find answers to the questions in my head.

in addition to Counting Crows, i've been listening to Toad the Wet sprocket - Fear, and Tears for Fears - Tears Roll Down. i've been looking at some blues stuff online. i'm thinking of picking up some Tom Waits, probably later stuff, (ie more recent) but possibly some of his older stuff. like Heart of Saturday Night. it's kind of amazing how his stuff has changed over thirty years or so. especially his voice.


i feel: lonely lonely
i hear: Counting Crows - August and Everything After

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Comments
wanderingpixie From: wanderingpixie Date: February 27th, 2002 07:41 am (UTC) (bookmark)

*HUG*

i guess that's what i get for being 6 weeks from my 26th birthday and not having a whole lot to show for it.

I went through pretty much the same thing last October. I'm not sure if I'm done yet. But it eventually started feeling a little less hopeless (and, no, not for the obvious excuse). I hope yours does too. *Big Hugs*
lrstrobel From: lrstrobel Date: February 27th, 2002 12:17 pm (UTC) (bookmark)
Good luck finding what you're looking for. Writing helps. Maybe not right now, but it's a part of the process. Keep looking.
From: owldragon Date: February 28th, 2002 12:24 am (UTC) (bookmark)
I'm sorry you're feeling depressed, and I understand that feeling of not being happy with your life. Been there, done that, and I think that between us we've gotten the t-shirt enough times to fill an entire wardrobe. Granted, I got lucky and found a girlfriend. That didn't solve everything, though. (So don't think you need to get a girlfriend - though I still recommend getting one, they're nifty.) I'm doing better now, and I think that a lot of it is simply enough positive reinforcement. That is to say, listen to people who encourage you and tell you that you can accomplish what you want. And say those sorts of things yourself. The whole "power of positive thinking" thing can actually be quite effective. You might even try listening to music that's not quite so depressing. :)

Wow, that was more than I had originally intended to say. Chalk it up to being a psych major. Anyway, the important part is, hang in there. *hug*
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