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to strive, to seek, to find ... - thoughts of a lurker
demonlurking
demonlurking
to strive, to seek, to find ...


so, i'm now at work. i'll be here until 8am. it's dark.

dinner before work was fun. sushi is good.

i guess i'm going to be doing a muchly interrupted stream of consciousness tonight. thinking can be dangerous sometimes. i have, perhaps, been doing too much of it for my own good. i guess i'll start with my thoughts on LJ. you see, i've never been particularly good at sharing feelings and that sort of thing. i've always been an introvert and tended to be that quiet guy cowering in the corner. i never liked being the center of attention.

and yet, here i am pouring my brain out for (semi) public review. it feels kind of weird and unnatural. that will be the first hurdle, actually using LJ. the second will be learning where to draw the line. i mean, yes, i can spew my inner-most being and every thought and emotion to the world. name names and everything. but should i? is it necessary? is it really what i want to do? can i rant and still be vague enough not to hurt people? it comes down to the ultimate question ... how much of my life do i want online?

so, i guess i should start simple ...


i've noticed recently that i've become somewhat detached. nothing seems to really affect me. i was kind of noticing it several months ago, but september 11th really pointed it out. it didn't mean anything to me. yeah, people died, lost loved ones, lost jobs, but for some reason there was no reaction other than "ooh wow, that's an interesting structural collapse." i know i spent high-school trying to turn off my emotions, but college, i thought, had brought them back.

i think my lack of reaction affected me more than the actual event. maybe it's true, maybe modern entertainment (ie. tv and movies) really does desensitize you to violence and death. but it's more than that ... i think. i can't really remember the last time i was truly emotionally involved in something. i remember being absolutely crushed by my last breakup. that took me a while to get over. it's just been weird i guess.

maybe it's that i don't have any goals. for a long time my only goal was to get a job and pay rent. now i've got a job. i enjoy it most of the time. but i no longer have anything pushing me. i've begun to float again. i'm not sure it's really good for me in the long run.


ah well, i need to get back to work.
more later ... maybe

i feel: working working
i hear: Himekami - Journey to Zipangu

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