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busy work and thought - thoughts of a lurker
busy work and thought

so, i'm sitting here folding and stuffing invoices. same thing i do every night. but tonight there really isn't something to keep my mind busy. LJ has finally let me read it, (lots of problems earlier, page not found and stuff like that). i've read all my online comix and tech journals. checked all the d&d sites i read, nothing new there.

so the quest for content continues.

i think my detachment has been a bit less recently, i've actually been reacting to things around me. not quite to major news stories, but i never really reacted to those. perhaps i've always been somewhat distant from the "real" world. perhaps it's because college was my first chance to have social dealings with people my own age. (which is a somewhat disturbing thought when you think about CMU.)

i grew up in the hills below the Hollywood sign (once the Hollywoodland sign, but that's just useless trivia). LA was a weird place to grow up. we were definately not part of the "up and coming" of hollywood. my mother dropped out of SUNY Genesio to go hang with her hippy friends in california.

my 'rents were basically a summer fling. dad was an ex-computer programmer (yes, even a quarter century ago there were programmers) who lived on the beach ... not in a beach-house mind you, but on the beach. he made money by playing bridge at night and during the day he park at the beach and go out and sleep on the sand.

mom and dad never really got along for large periods. she thought he was too irresonsible and he thought she was too controlling. looking back, i think they were both right. and yet, she'd left home to be with him and i was the result.

he moved out when i was two or three, i saw him occasionally, one or two weekends a month or something like that. usually with my half-brother (his mom was my dad's wife until about two months after i was born).
when i was six, she went back to school to finish her undergrad work. i don't remember seeing much of her then, she spent a lot of time doing homework and stuff like that.she graduated when i was eight and we moved to berkeley for her graduate work.

i was older and she was more involved, i saw even less of her then. but at that point, she still didn't like to leave me alone, so she signed me up for after-school day-care. most of the kids there were a year or two younger than i was, so i was expected to be the responsible one. most of the people i saw when my mother was around were here peers or superiors. people twice my age at the youngest. academics were a breeze, but i slacked in a subconcious attempt to get my mother's attention. it only worked sometimes.

by highschool i was something of an outcast. because of daycare and stuff like that, i hadn't become part of the social order during elementary and middle school. so i played up to the image. by senior year i was a proud member of my schools version of the "trenchcoat brigaid." not that we had plans to blow up the school and shoot people, but we fit the image and stereotype. in a school of 400, we were about a dozen, from all grades.

then i came to CMU, and suddenly there were people. it took a while to get used to having people i could talk to. i guess i've led a pretty sheltered life and onlly seen things from a distance (over TV news or what have you). i've always been a little removed from life.

i guess now i just have to work to get closer and simply feel.

i feel: tired tired
i hear: Live - Throwing Copper

say something